Bi-Top Married Dad, The Early Years… Brazen’s Beginnings Part II

Bi-Top Married Dad… Brazen’s Beginnings - Part II

Bi-Top Married Dad… Brazen’s Beginnings

A multi-part account from when I was a child of my earliest thoughts of men, and of the M2M sexual encounters I had from a young age through into my twenties.  I hope you read and enjoy.

To read Part I first: PART I

PART II
The kicker was several months later during that summer.  My best friend and I went swimming in his pool one afternoon.  After we got out and dried off a bit, we went inside where the TV was on.  He went upstairs while I stayed in their den watching what his brother had on TV.  After what seemed like a long while it occurred to me he wasn’t coming down, so I went up to his room.  His bedroom door was wide open so I wasn’t prepared for what I saw when I stepped in.  He was standing with his back turned toward me and completely naked.   His back wasn’t muscular, but smooth and well defined.  His thick strong soccer player legs stood like tree trunks displaying his calves and hamstrings all coated in a generous layer of hair.  Their thickness continued up to his perfectly shaped glutes.











Hi ass was… outrageous.  It’s the first time someone’s ass ever measured as being an object of lust.  But I felt such a jolt of electricity shoot through my 14 year old cock and I was stunned. 



He turned around and noticed I was there.  I think he was waiting for me because there was something in his body language that sort of said “it’s about time”.  He wasn’t shocked or bothered by my presence in the slightest.  He just moved about his room with his fully grown and very well formed cock protruding out from a thick and full hairy bush.










I couldn’t speak.  He was so beautiful looking like that, and I was so drawn to his large cock.  All this while he seemed aloof to the fact that he was fully naked around me, and I was totally flustered by it.  I was treated to yet another moment of penis envy.  Coupled with my thoughts of lust were thoughts of self-pity.  “Why isn’t my own cock that big?”  “Why do his balls look larger and heavier than mine?”  “Will mine grow more so one day it will look more like that?”  He took his time before finally grabbing some underwear and a pair of shorts.  There is no question that he was comfortable being naked, and it was clear he enjoyed being naked in front of me.  If I had that body, and that cock… I would enjoy it too.



He asked if we wanted to make this one of our (many) fort nights.  The year before, we had turned his old wooden pool deck into a backyard fort.  It fit perfectly behind the shed in the corner of the fenced-in back yard.  Along the sides, thin sheets of paneling were nailed up to create walls with a small opening to crawl inside, and the top was given a flat roof also made of paneling but topped with some roof shingles for protection.  We’d sleep in there on summer nights, and bring in a small lamp plugged into a long extension cord which kept the place well lit at night.



This night was different from the others.  This time he brought a bunch of Playboy and Penthouse mags.  While checking out the pics and reading the sex stories, he slowly turned the conversation to sex.  Then he furthered the conversation and we each started asking curious questions about each others dicks and if we had ever measured them.  Have we ever jerked off, how we masturbated, and if we ever came.  He led things further and at his suggestion we wound up naked, comparing dicks and showing each other our hard ons, playing with the precum, etc.  It was such an amazing moment of self discovery and sharing.





Clearly he was bigger and thicker than me.  I kept saying I had 10 months for mine to get bigger like his as he was that much older than I.  Based on that we sat on the floor facing each other and lined up the bottoms of our shafts together. 



My cock was in contact with another cock!!  The feeling was electric.  Solid and warm.  Our paired up helmet shaped heads were leaking like crazy.  We both were gifted by the copious amount of precum that freely flowed from our piss slits.  Between the two of us, there was so much!  We decided to touch the tips of our dicks together as large globs of precum were oozing out.  We’d rub the tips in circles to spread all that syrupy liquid around our cock heads making them shiny and wet.



Then he wanted to grab mine, and have me grab his. 



Inside I was going wild because it was everything I had fantasized about for such a long time, but on the outside I refused to show it.  I played reluctant and unsure throughout.  But man… I loved every second.  His was the first dick other than my own I was able to touch and play with and it felt so good.  I mentioned how the globs of precum flowed incessantly from our dicks.  At that, he grabbed his and pointed it in my direction.  As if to make his dick talk, he put on a chipmunk voice and said “Suck it off”.

He kept repeating it and waiving his cock at me.  I wanted it so bad, but I wasn’t willing to be the first to do any of this.  In my head, he had to be the lead so later on he couldn’t say it was me who pushed him into it.  I challenged him back and told him to suck mine first.  I was mesmerized by his big head with the precum droplet at the tip.



“Why don’t we get into a 69 position and suck at the same time?”

That sounded perfect.  So he laid back on his sleeping bag and I got on top of him, face to cock.  There was another round of chicken to see who’d do it first, and he finally said, “I’ll suck it.”

He grabbed my dick and I watched it disappear into his mouth.  A moment later I followed along and sucked his dick.  I was having my very first sexual experience.  I remember it so vividly to this day.



He then suggested we try fucking.  I was so nervous but didn’t want to say no.   He and his bigger dick had taken the lead role all night and there was this unspoken knowledge that he’d be the one fucking me.  I positioned myself on all fours and he got behind me.  Unfortunately we didn’t know what the hell we were doing and proper lubrication never occurred to us.  We were going strictly on my spit mixed with his precum.  I had no idea what to do to open up and help ease it inside.  Naturally I was clenching my hole and he wasn’t able to budge.  He kept pressing harder and harder but it didn’t help.  Finally, I relaxed my sphincter but he was still pushing against me with all his body weight.  That broke through the seal and his big thick dick slammed total length into my ass without warning and at full force.  The pain was indescribable.  I thought I was going to die. Literally, die.  I had flashes in my head of being on a stretcher at the hospital because my insides were torn to shreds.  I wanted it out.



The pain was searing and not subsiding.  I guess this is what happens when two young kids don’t know what the hell they are doing.   I was going into a state of panic.  I kept telling him to pull out, but he wouldn’t.  I actually remember feeling him trying to push a bit harder into me and I could feel his cock ever so slightly moving along the inner walls of my ass.  Finally after what felt like an eternity of blinding pain, the feeling of his cock being inside of me began to be accompanied by a feeling of pleasure.  But in that instant, it was gone.  Just as the pain started to change over to feeling good, he pulled out.  I only got to feel the pleasure of it for an instant, and it was over.  I was still in a good deal of pain, but I also remember that second of a pleasurable sensation by his hard thickness being implanted deep inside me.  I didn’t say anything about it starting to feel good, and pretty much this ended the activities for the evening.  I was far too scared to try again, and he knew it.  I look back on that night wishing I would have told him to try again.  I’ve gone through the rest of my life always wondering and secretly desiring to experience that again.  But I never have.  I’ve also spent all these years desiring his cock.  What it is about this attachment you get for a particular man’s dick once you’ve had it inside you?  I don’t understand it, but it’s there.

After that night he didn’t speak to me for over 6 months.  I guess it fucked up his head as much as it fucked up mine.  Even after we started hanging out again we never mentioned it, and I never brought it up to a single soul for over 25 years.  It messed my head up pretty good.  I wonder if this experience played a part in his becoming somewhat of an alcoholic once he grew up, with multiple kids from multiple mothers.  I wonder if in all these years he always secretly wanted me again as well.  As much as I grew to dislike the guy as we grew older, I’d go at it with him again in a second.

The following Summer when I was 15, I spent a few weeks at my cousin’s house in Staten Island, NY.  I had the basement of the condo to myself at night where I slept on the pullout couch.  My cousin was much older than I was.  She was married with 2 kids already, and I was just a teenager.  But she was super cool.  One night her and her husband got into a conversation with me about the kind of smut mags we all knew about.  Turns out they had this collection of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines they tossed to me to look through while I was alone down there.  They also had a few porno movies on video cassette.  Debbie Does Dallas 2 was one of them, and I forget what the others were.  Major jerk off material, that’s for sure.  And jerk off I did.  Relentlessly.  I was supposed to be reading about Cobol programming, and here I was endlessly jacking to porn instead.





I returned back home at the beginning of August to spend the last few weeks of Summer hanging out before starting back to school.  On the 2nd day of being home, I wound up riding my bike to the opposite end of the neighborhood where I saw a friend of mine hanging out with this guy I never saw before.  His name was Dave, from New York, and he was spending the Summer at his uncle’s house.  He was hot as fuck!  And I mean… hot as fuck!  Diver’s body, clean cut, all American look.  Incredibly handsome face, and a really friendly personality to go with it. 





He was showing my friend how to break dance on this cardboard box (remember this was the 80’s).  And wow he was amazing at it.  He could move his body like it was made of water.  So fluid and smooth.  I swear he was better than guys I’ve seen featured in break dancing movies!



I was instantly infatuated with him.  We started talking and I couldn’t believe it but he was just as friendly toward me as I was toward him.  I wound up hanging out with them for the remainder of the day, and then it became late into the evening as we were still hanging out - long after my other friend had gone home.  Dave and I hit if off huge, and spent every day together until he went back to New York at the end of August.  His uncle had an in-ground pool so we spent a lot of time in our bathing suits and I could watch him up close in a speedo… that perfect smooth defined body.  He drove me crazy.  All I wanted to do was feel that chest and touch those muscles.  But I kept a poker face about it and never let on.





Dave wound up dating one of the girls in the neighborhood who we were all friends with.  One night I went over to his uncle’s house, and Dave wasn’t there.  He was over her house and from what his uncle told me, he was getting laid.  His uncle was a trip.  Had no filter.  Said anything about anything, no matter who was around.  I loved it.  So I hung out with him until Dave got back.  Of course we all wanted details.  Turns out the two of them were taking a bath together getting really hot and heavy when her parents called to say they were on the way home.  That ended whatever was going on in the bathtub, and Dave never got to cum.  He was standing in the kitchen in a skimpy pair of black athletic shorts with a painful case of blue balls that had us laughing at him like crazy.  He’d be standing there and ‘ZANG!’, this shot of pain would throb through his nuts and he’d be bent over unable to speak until it passed.  It was very funny, but all the while I was fantasizing about going with him into his bedroom and watching him take care of it.  Or better yet, helping a bud out.  Neither one of those things happened.  But the infatuation I was having for guys that were friends of mine was eye opening to say the least, but my fear of showing it only made me more closed in.  As far as I was concerned, he’d never know.

My wish partially came true though.  About a week or two later we had come inside from swimming and went into his room.  He decided to get changed out of his wet suit, and while I was laying on his bed flipping through some catalog he hiked his suit down while standing right next to the bed - eye level with my face.  Talk about poker face.  I didn’t flinch.  I kept turning the pages in the catalog and never looked away.  But thankfully the human eye is gifted with peripheral vision, and my focus was nowhere near those pages.  I had a much better view than I thought possible without directly looking at it.  And holy fuck.  It figured.  Along with that all American jock body, the perfect hair, and the handsome boy-next-door face, was this thick long hammer dick heavy enough to be weighed pointing straight down to the floor.  Which meant the sizable set of nuts behind that big cock hung loose enough to allow it to fall without any protrusion.  And while the rest of him was smooth and hairless, this dark thick bush of hair hung above that big cock like he could have been the naked model featured in a magazine.





Again… as always… frozen by being mesmerized and scared.  Shocked into silence by my magnetized desire for that beautiful cock and the amazing man it was attached to. 



Intimidated by the size difference, so no way I would change in front of him like he was comfortably changing in front of me.  I didn’t have that girth, or that hammer head, or that thick shaft, or that weight.  No way I could 'show’ like he could.



Simultaneously I wondered if he changed in front of his other friends back home - especially with the diving team.  How many of his other friends was he naked in front of in his bedroom at home?  How many times was he with the rest of his diving team in the locker room, naked in a jovial mood.  Unphased and unaffected by all that manly sausage bouncing around. 



And if I didn’t have any attraction toward other guys, how would I be behaving in a situation like this?  Could I have comfortably acknowledged his nakedness or cock?  Could I talk about his dick compared to mine without freaking him out?  Or would I be doing exactly what I was doing in this moment… nothing.  All these simultaneous thoughts while still being laser focused through my peripheral sight.  The blue swimsuit being yanked down his thighs.  The knees lifting up one at a time to get his feet through the suit.  The standing straight up as that hammer dick hung big and heavy between his legs.  Then the pair of white briefs that would keep it snug against his body.  And finally a clean pair of shorts that accentuated the impressive fit body.  Unreal.

At the end of August we had to say our goodbyes as he headed back to New York before school would start up again for each of us.  He gave me his phone number, but what do guys talk about on the phone?  The small piece of paper became consumed by time and eventually lost.  For anyone under the age of 30, remember… there were no cell phones.  No contact lists.  No programmable phones.  And no internet to remain connected.  Without that phone number, all contact was broken.  His uncle had passed away several years later, and there was no longer any reason for him to visit New Jersey.  Dave was gone.  What remained was my desire for guys, and the insecurity that came with feeling like I didn’t have enough between my legs to earn the right to be among them, or be natural with them.  It’s a strange perspective to describe, but nonetheless that is what I felt.

Flash forward 25 years to about 7 years ago, through the magic of Facebook, I was connected with that girl I said was dating Dave in the neighborhood and she messaged me to ask if I remembered who he was and if I’d like his phone number.  So from that he and I became re-acquainted and caught up on things.  Both married, with kids, etc. etc.  I wish I would have had the guts to tell him how into him I really was.  So much so that if he somehow had similar feelings and wasn’t chicken shit to say so, he would have been my first love.

All these things with guys had happened to me leading into my teenage years, without a single thing happening with a girl.  But I still wouldn’t let myself 'be gay’.  I never knew what it was to discover and accept myself, especially back in the early to mid 1980’s.  There was no such thing as having the freedom to discover one’s sexuality.  Boys liked girls, girls liked boys, and that was it.  Yet, throughout high school I was more fascinated by the guys in class than the girls.  I dated a couple of girls in high school, but I never had the sexual urge to do anything with them.  I would rather work on mastering the art of glancing at the naked guys in the shower after Soccer practice without getting caught. 



I always remember wondering why a lot of these guys were so much larger than me.  Not just the upperclassmen, but guys in my grade as well.  Their flaccid cocks dangling and swinging as they walked around the locker room, or while in the shower soaping up and cleaning themselves.  They seemed to be so unaware of all that meat between their legs, while it was my main focus.







I couldn’t stop an erection from happening even when I was simply changing my clothes.  There would be no way possible I could make it through a shower without springing one up.  Yet many of these guys would be talking with each other as they stood facing each other in circular patterns around the cylinder shaped shower towers.  There were several of these towers positioned evenly throughout the tiled shower area, filled with the lathered and soaking wet jocked up bodies of these studs.



It didn’t seem to be an issue for any of them.  But for me it was something I just couldn’t do.  I wasn’t as tall or muscular as them, and I certainly didn’t have the length or girth of them either.  It was around that age I realized I wasn’t going to be in the ‘hung’ club.  I’m a grower not a shower, that’s for sure.  And being that I’m on the slimmer side, I don’t have enough girth to make up for the lack of dangle.  Perhaps if my balls were looser I’d get more hang out of it but most of the time they were tight and round, making my shaft and head protrude forward.   It’s not something I was willing to put on parade, ever.  I became more and more introverted because of it.  You wouldn’t know it because I had plenty of friends and enjoyed myself.  I went out a lot and had good times.  But inside I was falling deeper into my own internal abyss.  Nobody to talk to about these feelings I had, nobody to assure me of my physical self, nobody to help me feel comfortable with my body or my sexuality.  It was a lonely time which continues to this day.

Well, keeping my body covered only lasted so long.  One day as we arrived at the locker room for soccer practice, without any forewarning or announcement of any kind, there was a doctor waiting in the locker room to give all the guys on the team a physical.  Five at a time we were brought in front of the doctor and told to stand shoulder to shoulder.  I knew it was coming, the moment when he’d tell us to drop our shorts, but I couldn’t do anything to help fluff up.  I was trying to think hot thoughts to send some blood down there, but my nerves kept that from happening.  If I was somewhat excited my cock would fill up and get a lot thicker and longer.  Perhaps if I could get worked up a bit it wouldn’t be as bad as that fully shrunken look I felt it had.  But at that age it seemed that once it was a bit fuller and larger there was no stopping it from getting fully hard, and I couldn’t risk that happening.  I was in a quandary and there was no way out.  It occurred to me to tell the doc I had to take a piss or something, but he probably would have told me to wait a few minutes until the physical was over.  Just as these thoughts were flying through my mind, the words were spoken. 
“Okay gentlemen.  I’ll need you all to drop your shorts to your knees please.“



What was I going to do, refuse?  This was it.  I had no choice.  The five of us lowered our shorts down and to my agony my cock looked like I just jumped into an ice cold pool.  Of course, the doctor started with the guy on the far end of the line and I was the last of the five.  I would have to have my shorts down the longest out of all of us.  The first guy was a senior, about six feet tall, with a wide frame.  His cock was huge.  And I mean, huge.  He was "Locker Room Proud".





Guys 2 and 3 I have to admit, I don’t even remember.  The guy next to me was a friend of mine from class, a fellow Italian who was even an inch shorter than I was.  His cock was stubby.  Probably not much longer than mine was at our present state.  But his bush was super full and his shaft was really thick.  Nice big head.  He had nothing to worry about.  And then there was me.  It was among the worst moments of my life.  I hated it.

I look at myself today, and I’m so different.  Today I’ll get naked in front of a room full of men as long as I know they are all gay/bi guys who accept me.  I don’t know why I can strip comfortably with men if I know they are also into men but can’t do it with the straight crowd.  What the fuck is that about?  Well, maybe I still can’t do a wide open locker room full of strangers, but I’ve come a long way.  Years of being around friends on the web have done wonders in reassurance and self-acceptance.  Being so willing to put what I look like out there and receiving such great responses of acceptance and even desire.  It has made such a difference in being able to be seen naked by other men and feel comfortable with it.  I’ve stood around many guys in social company, all naked, and none of us hard.  Many were larger than myself, but many weren’t and they were just fine with that.  So you know what?  I’m good.  I’ll stand next to a dude with an enormous flaccid cock and it doesn’t matter to me.  For some reason, if I know he’s into other men, there is this unspoken mutual acceptance of each other no matter what we look like or how big/small our cocks are.  I’ve learned from my many experiences that I have a very desirable cock that men love to be around, and that’s a great thing.  Men with 8+” cocks love taking mine.  So yeah… I’m good.  I’d still love to be that Locker Room Proud guy, but I know that is not how I was made and there isn’t anything I can do about that.  So fuck it.  This is me.  You either like it or you don’t.



I just wish I had that kind of self acceptance when I was a teenager.  I wish I had that kind of self confidence leading into my adult hood.  Who knows what I would have been willing to try or how ‘out there’ I would have been made myself in those days.  I wasn’t a far drive from Manhattan, and maybe I would have been willing to take myself into Chelsea or the Village to walk around and see who I met, or what action I would have stumbled upon.  I wasn’t too far from the nude beach with the male-only area.  What sights and opportunities I could have had there.  Blow jobs behind the sand dunes, etc.  Well, I can’t change the past, but I do wonder.  I do wonder.


End Part II.  Click to read Part III, where I talk about experiences I had in high school.  Stay tuned!