I need to communicate..
It doesn't seem I'm being allowed to live my life the way I choose without being surveiled, stalked, monitored, and reported about.
I don't know why there is a person or persons out there who feel the need to do this to me. All I ever was, was nice to people. I would like to think I was always welcoming, accepting, open, and friendly. Why am I being stalked? Why am I being monitored? Why am I being reported about to the man I love? This person or persons is tracking my online activity and making their own conclusions, like I'm messing around beind my guy's back, cruising, etc. and making it a point to contact him about it. I can say with honest certainty this is not true. Since meeting this incredible man, I have not once thought about doing anything physical with someone else, and have not. And regardless of what sites I may go to which may make it seem as though I could, I AM NOT. There was a time, very early in our relationship, that I jerked off on cam with someone I knew long before my relationship began. My guy knew this about me and understood, but afterward we had a long conversation about it - and we agreed I would no longer do that, as our relationship and feelings for each other were growing. I have since become quite private and have brought my online presence to virtually zero. I still come onto Twitter all the time, but in the past it was to post pics of myself, blog, and keep in touch with online buds. Now, it's to look at hot content so I can pudge up to take pics for my guy. These are my decisions based on my feelings. It's been three years since my life was forever and amazingly changed. All we want is to live our lives. Why is that a problem?
There is nothing creepy if I go onto any given website. What IS creepy and disturbing is that my activity online is somehow being watched. Why would anyone do that? Why can I not just be left alone? Why does anyone feel like they have to inject themselves into my life?
I am asking, please, not to assume I'm doing something because of a site I go onto, no matter what site that is. I am in love with a man whom I am not cheating on, nor am I hiding from. Neither one of us want to be watched, surveiled, tracked, stalked, or contacted. I don't understand what I did to make anyone think it is okay to behave like this toward me. I'm sorry for whatever that may be. I have no ill will toward anyone. I just want to be left alone.
I'm finding out there are profiles with pics and videos of me on sites/apps like Zoig and Snapchat which are not my activity. I have not used either one in years. I'd forgotten a site called Zoig even existed. Yet somehow there are repeated logins and these login histories are being sent to my guy. Then we need to have a two hour conversation about how I'm not running around on him, or engaging in online stuff. I have to be totally honest... the desire to frequent these kinds of sites is something I have moved on from, organically and naturally. I used to live on these sites and now it's just not a thing for me. In the rare event I find myself on a site I used to frequent, it's to either grab an old pic of myself or converse with an old contact ABOUT HIM! About how lucky I am to have found a guy like him and have him in my life!
I used to post here there and everywhere in the past. Posting pictures, having sexcapades, writing about them, and built an audience and even made friends based on this part of my life where I needed to express, connect, and be physical with other men. That changed three wonderful years ago when I met this amazing man who loved me, embraced me, and gave me his heart. This pure soul who saw things in me I couldn't see in myself. Still don't. He and I built an amaizng relationship over the last three years. He knows of my past, in all the ways it is not innocent - and he knows of all the decisions I've made in desperation of satisfying the side of my soul that could not be shown light in my 'real' life. He saw me. He understood me. He accepted me. He... saved me. So I don't post anymore here, or there, or really anywhere. That need no longer exists. Apparently that's not okay for someone or someones... and I don't know why I've become their pet project to be torn down. They are causing pain, they are causing sadness, they are creating stress, they are creating turmoil. And none of the things they're alluding to regarding my behavior are actually happening. To whomever is doing this, if you have ever had an ounce of concern, care, or respect for me, please stop.
So, total transparency about what happened today. Even though I decided to close down and box up the wide open persona I spent years nourishing - I still have some psychological need, every once in a while, to connect with likeminded men just so I know there are others like me out there I can have an interaction with. Not sex, not jerking off, nothing physical - just a brief connection where I can look another guy in the eye and have that knowing comradarie. But think about it... I do not know where to go to find a local person to express these things. Somewhere I don't have to create a profile - or log onto an ancient existing site/profile I may have frequented in the past, to find a likeminded discreet dude to connect with. If there is an easy and innocent answer I don't know what it is, I'm sorry. So on my way to the gym I went onto Sniffies to see what kind of guys may be local to me to find someone to crow about who I am. Not to hook up, not to cruise, not to do anything but connect with a likeminded healthy dude and share how great it is to be a guy, have a cock and don't care if it's seen, be unashamed to be attracted to men, share how awesome it is to be 'like us', and... also to say out loud that I was lucky enough to have found the kind of guy I have in my life. I wanted to make an acquaintance with a 'guy like me' so if we run into each other at the gym we can fist bump, he can ask me how my guy is, and I can ask him if he's gotten any hot hookups. I can't talk about my guy 'out loud' to anyone (being closeted is fun). This gave me a chance to do that, while changing openly in the locker room after showering. I thought it would be cool. And you know what? I found one! Of course the dude was looking for a hookup, but I immediately told him I was not interested in anything physical. He was cool with it, and we said hi at the gym while I toweled off after showering. Our conversation was all about our affinity for the male form, but also about how awesome it is to find a guy like the one who found me. He thought it was awesome, and even talked about how great it would be if the three of us were to meet up at the nude beach or something. I thought it was great, and was excited to talk about it with my guy when I got home.
But...
Somehow that activity was tracked and my guy was immediately contacted to 'warn' him about me, before I could even have the opportunity to talk about it with him myself. I wasn't even home from the gym yet and he already knew, with his heart in his feet and his world feeling like it was dropping out from beneath him. It's killing me to know he thinks I would hurt him like that. All of this was presented to him in a way that made it look as bad as could be, denying me the chance to tell him myself first.
My relationship does not need a third person injecting themselves into it. I wish I could understand what this person has against me to keep such intrusive tabs on me, and I also wish that person or persons could just live their own life without needing to focus on mine. I wish them all love and wonderful things, whomever they may be and the day arrives soon where they no longer feel the need to do this.
Peace ✌️
P. S. I now speak directly to my man. I can, will, and do say these things to you in person - but right now you need some serious reassurance from me, and here it is. You are my guy and I am yours. You saved my life in so many ways. The dangerous sexual activities I was involved in, the risks I was taking, the emotional shield I built around myself... you saw through all of that and saw the real me. Your love and belief in me brought me to an incredible place in life, and inspired me to be more, be better, be yours. And I am. Thanks to you. My past and my activities won't let me move forward and it continues to hurt you and cause you doubt. I can blame others for their actions being the cause of that, but ultimately the responsibility is mine. I have more to do. I need perspectives that realize what could cause you pain, and make sure that does not happen. You mean the world to me, and I am completely committed to proving that to you. You are my heart, you are my soul. I love you. ❤️❤️
